Holiday Hustle and Honest Thoughts

((Darcy))

It's been awhile since this blog has been posted on, having seen the hiatus of the holiday hustle.

Personally, my holidays were amazing, the best I have had since my brother's passing. My fiance and I shared our first holidays as an engaged couple (and our last as we are married in May). Initially planning was intimidating and hectic. My parents wanted to visit New Mexico, Daniel's family was wanting to try Christmas at the new house his sister moved into, and my grandmother had bought every one of her 8 children, 19 grandchildren, and all the inlaws, plus my future husband, tickets to Florida for a four day Christmas trip starting the 26th. All this while we are trying to manage a budget during student teaching (which is a 8 hour work day with no compensation save a grade) and planning a wedding. Lets just say Christmas gifts this year received more attention to creativity then years passed as I searched for ways to share meaning without draining my bank account which has seemed to spring a recent leak...

My parents decided to wait on visiting my mother's family in New Mexico, which while unfortunate, allowed Daniel and I to spend time with his family in Kansas. His sister Katherine, who has three young children and one on the way who is also in the process of moving and organizing the photography for our wedding, volunteered to plan, organize, and host a two day Christmas celebration. Oh, and her and her husband were singing, directing, and writing their new churches first Christmas pageant. The woman swings her pendulum somewhere in between saint and clinically insane around this time of year! But with a little family help in the kitchen, she pulled it off wonderfully.

On Christmas day I got a microwave to replace the junker that has been shorting out for the past month, had a whole half yard of bubble gum in my mouth to blow a bubble with only to be outdone by Daniel's younger sister who managed the whole yard, played David and Goliath army men with a seven year old who knew the names of the story better than I did, and had my parents pick me up for Kansas City for phase two of Christmas.

There is something wonderful in those memories though. Daniel and I have been together four years this February, but only got engaged this last April on my 21st birthday (no alcohol involved). Spending time with his family and knowing they are my family to be is humbling, inspiring, and tiring! I had to cut the apples and the onions... cutting onions isn't a job you give to guests, its for family! I also changed diapers and had my flower girl sleeping on my chest.

I noticed something in the down time, sitting on the couch alone. His family never knew my brother, and the holidays did not carry the loss of one who was not there. While the realization was both painful and liberating, I embraced the moment as a transition of change, a positive growth that affirms I am not tied down by my past loss.

Seeing my parents at the door awhile after lunch brought back that feeling though. I try not to be separate from my parents on Christmas day, as losing a son is harder when the only other child is also not present. I worry about them, and they worry about me. We protect each other in the times where happiness flows but sadness lurks, defending against the creeping melancholy by being there for one another.

My father gets along rather well with one of Katherine's children who is a seven year old boy. I went with the two outside to play in the snow. My father is wonderful with children, and I am thankful he is able to share his passions for play with Gavin. My mother was talking to Daniel's mom; the two get along rather well. My parents were in good spirits, fortified by the company of family. We all spent another hour or two at Katherine's before my uncle showed up and we left for Kansas City to stay the night before catching the plane in the morning.

Staying in Kansas City was relaxing, familiar, and calmed my honest fear of the holidays. I love family, and I love Christmas, but in truth there has not been a Christmas since my brother passed that I haven't cried at least once in the week of the holidays. This time was different though, something has shifted, life is beginning a new phase. While the blessings and pains of my handicap brother's short life will never fade from my memory or heart, the shadows and fears are passing as I gain security in faith, hope, and love given to me by my wonderful family, both by blood and soon to be marriage.




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Florida is a story for another blogging, but watch for it coming soon.